What Not To Do On a Date

As many of you may know, Faye and I broke up a little while ago. Obviously any breakup is difficult, and this was even more so because I still love her, and think of her as my best friend. Things have remained amicable, which I really appreciate. We still talk, mainly by instant message and text. Every so often we speak on the phone. I’m looking forward to being able to see her again when I go home.

Out of boredom and loneliness I signed up for the dating website okcupid.com. This girl from Atlanta and I have been texting a little bit. Our matches were somewhat high, which in theory should mean that we have things in common. She’s cute, but a little chubbier then I tend to like. She also writes very poorly; abbreviated text type, misspellings, disregard for grammar and punctuation, etc. That should have been a red flag for me but I chose to ignore it. Probably out of loneliness / horniness. We’ll call her Sara. So Sara texts me last Saturday night and says she’s in Chattanooga. She’s really vague and I can’t tell why she’s in town, It sounds a bit like she’s moving back here. So I ask her if she wants to grab coffee at some point Sunday and she says sure.

I wake up a little late on Sunday, 10ish, and around 10:30 I’m surfing the internet and drinking coffee. She texts me and asks where I am, so I tell her I’m at my apartment. She then asks if her friend can drop her off until her sister can pick her up because she doesn’t have anywhere to go. I think about it for a second, and then agree, thinking that it might be a little weird, but I can get along with just about anyone for a couple of hours. So the worst case scenario is that it’s a little awkward, the best case scenario is that we hit it off and I might get some (I know, I’m terrible).

So she gets dropped off within about ten minutes with four bags, and her little three legged dog. She is definitely not as cute as she appears online, and is perhaps even chubbier. I apologize for still being in my pajamas, and for my place being a mess, but she seems genuinely not to mind. We sit out on my balcony where she proceeds to chain smoke and we start talking. The reason she’s in Chattanooga is because she got mugged in Atlanta and they stole her purse. So she needed to come and get an ID, a bank card, and her Adderall. But it’s Easter Sunday, she got her adderall the previous day and will have to wait until the next day to get her ID and bank card. Being back in Chattanooga she was also able to sign divorce papers with her estranged ex-husband. Apparently she got married when she was 16 years old. I told her I didn’t even know someone could get married at that age, but I guess with parental consent it’s A-OK. She also never graduated high school, which I deduced from her telling me she got a job with a forged GED. But she doesn’t work there anymore, now she’s a cocktail waitress at a strip club.

So I start to ask her when her sister will be around, and what she’s up to. Her sister is visiting her boyfriend, three hours away, in jail. But the visits are limited to only an hour, she says, so it won’t be too long. I find out what time the sister left in the morning, do some quick math, and realize that AT BEST, the sister will be here in four hours. That’s IF she goes straight to the jail, spends the hour there, and comes straight back without stopping for lunch or to rob a convenience store. The boyfriend is in jail for running over and killing a pedestrian while drunk. At eight in the morning. The sister is going to pick up Sara and bring her to their dad’s house so that Sara can borrow a tent and camp for a few days in Chattanooga to get her shit straight. Why not just stay with the dad, you might ask? Well he’s away on business and Sara and her step-mom HATE each other, and barely talk.

So fast forward four hours of kind of sitting around, talking, eating lunch, etc. It’s getting close to the time when the sister should be picking her up. They’re talking on the phone, and it’s apparent that the sister is not coming to get her. Sara is now sitting on my floor, crying, as she explains that her sister is too sick to come pick her up and drive her all the way to their father’s house. How far away is the father’s house? About twenty minutes. I’ll drive you, I tell her, and then drop you off at your sister’s. She says I don’t have to, it’s so far away, but I know it’s the easiest way to get rid of her. So we go to her father’s house. And no one is home. The doors are locked. Shiiit. Oh well, I say, I’ll bring you by your sister’s and she’ll have to bring you back to pick up the tent when someone is home.

So now we’re on our way to the sister’s, back in Chatt. We’re a couple of blocks away and Sara calls her. The sister tells her she can’t come over. I pull over in a church parking lot while they argue, a block from the sister’s house. She gets out of the car, and is standing behind it, still arguing. I choose not to listen and have the radio on. Meanwhile, I’m thinking about driving away. I mean she’s a block from her sister’s, it can’t be that bad, she can walk there. But she knows where I live. And her dog, and all of her worldly possessions are sitting in my car. I can’t do it, I just can’t. She gets back in the car and tells me that her sister lives with her boyfriend’s parents. Sara and the boyfriend one time got in a physical fight, and his parents (understandably) don’t like her and don’t want her in their house. So she says that all she wants to do is be back in Atlanta, she hates everyone in Chattanooga, doesn’t have anyone here, etc. Considering she just moved away at the end of last year, this doesn’t bode well for the type of person she is. So I ask her if she has somewhere to go in Atlanta, and she says yes. So I tell her I’ll drive her to Atlanta. She’s super appreciative, and we go back to my place to grab a bite of dinner first and so that I can feed my dog. In the meantime she asks if her sister can come over to say goodbye to her before she leaves town. I say sure, no problem. The sister seems nice enough, and they sit on my couch, smoke weed, and argue before we leave. I had to take my dog out for two walks while she was there, just because I couldn’t take the bickering. The drive back to Atlanta was fairly uneventful, and more relaxed because it finally seemed like things were settled. I helped her carry her bags into her friend’s apartment at about 10:00pm and then gave her a hug goodbye, glad to be by myself and back on my way to Chattanooga.

So hopefully I have stored up some karma, and learned a lesson. Hopefully I will not allow myself be held hostage by a potential suitor anytime in the future.

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Posted on April 16, 2012, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. Haha oh boy… That totally blows and “the angles” strike once again! This was your reminder to always meet in a public place with an escape route. Next time ask me to be your safety call! 😉

  2. All I can say is ohmygod and something tells me you shouldn’t have left them alone in your apartment. I hope you have all YOUR worldly possessions still. Lmao xo

  3. This was the funniest thing I’ve ever read and you have the patience of a saint. Oh dating site stories

  4. Wow, what a nightmare of a hot mess of a person. This is the crap I’ve been missing out on by not dating all these years. Not feeling too inspired to try it…

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